Something different

Wrote something different.  Please no comments.  Maybe when this blog becomes a book and it's years from now, but for now, I write this blog for me.  I just like knowing that other people read it.  Make sense?

Dedicated to my cousin Cory who once published a poem I wrote in his school newspaper.  I am sure he has no idea how much it meant to me.  Also dedicated to Gena who inspired the title.  One more, also dedicated to those who know what I'm talking about because they have had days like this too.

Real is Messy

Stuck in this invisible bubble that no one can see
Stuck behind that old mask I thought I threw away
Stuck in an obvious place, but not so obvious to me
Stuck frustrated and too embarrassed to explain

Scared that men watch
Scared to get lost
Scared to pursue friends
Scared to be rejected again

Real is messy
Real is unknown
Real is unwanted
Real is alone

A friend once told me I get side tracked on too many tangents... yeah, but it makes sense to me

Time for some blogging therapy.  My husband and I had to do something difficult yesterday.  We have been praying about the situation for months and hoping it would get better.  It got a little better, but there were certain things that had to happen for us to decide to stay in the situation.  The BIG thing did not happen, so we had to say, basically, "We're out."  It was sad, but we knew it was the right thing to do.  Months and months of prayer, and talking with trusted friends has gone into this.  Now we just pray for a smooth transition for all involved, and would appreciate your prayers too.

It makes me think of another situation in my life in which I have devoted months and months of prayer.  That situation is over, and has been for some months, but there was a lot of sadness involved in it for me.  I guess I pray now to love the best I can and give the sadness to the Lord.  Similarly, the right thing was done, but it's still hard.

Vague is the name of the game today I guess.  Tis the routine for blog therapy.

I am reading a book (I can tell the title, no vagueness), Montana Women Homesteaders, which has really prompted much thought.  I've found pregnancy is a perfect time for reading.  Unfortunately, I've found I stay up much later reading books than watching a movie.  I am mildly dyslexic.  Thankfully only very mildly, but one thing it effects is speed of reading.  Oh my teachers never knew what they were asking when they asked me to read so much in college.  I'm a 5-10 minutes a page person, but still love to read.  Anyway, this book has prompted much humbleness in my thoughts.  These woman went out to Montana to set up a house and farm on their own!!  Some of the women written about got married after homesteading a few years, but some did not.  Most had money to invest in their home, but they were correct in calling most of them shacks.  And far from the nearest town.  Several quotes made me laugh and think at the same time, lets see if I can find them...

On a trip out with other women friends, the ladies couldn't find the horses the next day.  I imagine this was a very bad day, but one gal had the sense of humor to remark with her friend that their circumstance must be, "One of (')the all things that work together for the good to them that love the Lord.(')"

Often after they made their claim, a brother would build a shack for them, but when they would get to it they would see the harsh reality that there is a shack and land, and they had to do something with what they had or lose the land.  One woman writes..."For that first twenty-four hours it seemed a case of 'cheer up, for worse is yet to come'"

Think of the sense of humor these women had.  I turned to my husband and said I am not going to forget that quote (the last one).  I imagined with a smile that I will say it when labor begins for baby G.  I like it, realistic, good attitude, and great sense of humor.  That's the kind of person I want to be.

Now, there is something else that has been really bugging me.  I am dying to talk about US politics with friends, but facebook seems to not be the place.  I keep asking questions about people's opinions and thoughts, but nothing.  I guess I'm not surprised.  I just am really curious about what people are thinking about the next presidential race and Occupy Wall Street (etc.).  It is so hard to get a real idea from just the media.  I miss college!!  I even "friended" several people in my life who I have found particularly interesting when it comes to politics, hoping they will post lots of thoughts and opinions for me to think on.  Not their fault they have become less opinionated since I knew them, at least on facebook.  I get plenty of the media's opinion on the news, I would love to hear what my contemporaries are thinking.  No criticism, maybe I just have too much time on my hands.  Most people have jobs and have moved on to "real life" I guess.

I may be a boring person when it comes to sports, music and popular culture, but I love to have a good conversation about what's going on in the world, or even just listen in.  Maybe that why I love to read my friends blogs.  I think it is vastly interesting to hear their perspective on the world (even if it's nothing to do with politics).

One last side, I don't like reading strangers blogs.  I think that's boring.  That's it.   

What it's really like to be pregnant

---All of this is really true in my world, but it is meant to make you laugh, not feel sorry for me---

Have you seen that movie "Back-up Plan" with Jennifer Lopez?  She throws up like once and makes pregnancy look so fun.  And what about, one of my favorite movies, "Father of the Bride Two" where mother and daughter are pregnant together and make it look so cute.

Before I got pregnant, I truly thought I would not get sick.  I figured I'd have a good attitude about pregnancy and it would be fun, just like it is in the movies.  I have no sisters, a few close friends who have had babies, but they don't live near me.  A friend who lives near me had a baby, but she didn't seem too bad.  My pregnancy will be a breeze.  Why not?

When I started getting tired, I thought, "Whew, this is okay.  I just have to take it easy."  When I started getting nauseated in the car, I thought, "Okay, but this won't last long."  When I started not having an appetite, well, that was uncomfortable.  Have you ever been hungry, but all food sounded, smelled, and looked disgusting.  Has that ever lasted for TWO months?  I have found hunger with aversion to food is one of the most uncomfortable things to experience for an extended period of MONTHS.  

I went out to lunch with friends today.  It was the first time looking at a menu didn't make me feel nauseous.  Unfortunately for me that doesn't mean the season of looking at a menu and feeling sick is over.  I am nearly four months pregnant.  Past the First Trimester mark, and I have felt sick since the beginning of August with the exception of a total of about two weeks worth of days...   

One blessing, I have not thrown up.  Though I've heard that throwing up can make you feel better, I can't stand throwing up, and avoid it when possible.  I still remember the last time...  I got food poisoning in Syria while I was on a study abroad program.  I threw up so many times that our doctor said he could give me a shot.  I rolled up my sleeve, then he told me the bad news... it wasn't going to be a shot in the arm...  Very embarrassing.  I don't know if I told anyone but my husband about that.  

On the eating thing.  I have to eat anyway, of course, despite how I feel.  So, I turn on the fan in the kitchen or my husband graciously makes me dinner or the third option...  I just go in the kitchen, open the refrigerator and pull something out.  I try not to look at it too much, warm it up (if I have to), but only a little.  The less I warm it up, the less it smells like food.  Then I eat it as fast as I can, which is usually extremely slow as for some reason I have found it absolutely impossible to eat fast for the past few months.  I know it's better if I don't anyway, but when the food makes me feel sick, I would RATHER eat it fast!

And there are other things.  The books are telling me to talk to my baby.  I have found it difficult to talk to my baby since baby G is making me sick.  I might try the alternative for now, reading to my baby.  We do watch a lot of TV together.  he he he.  I hope it's a girl, because we've been watching a lot of Gilmore Girls.

I am excited to be a mom.  I am a mom already really, how much more of a mom could I be!  I have resigned myself to being sick for the duration of the pregnancy, but I'm going to try daily to have a good attitude.  This has been difficult, and I haven't done the best job, but I know at least I will be able to laugh at much of the nuances when the pregnancy is done.  

I like to laugh.  I think it is one of my favorite things in the world.

just thoughts

Man, it can be really hard to come up with something right to write about.  I will be honest, God has had me on a roller coaster the past three weeks... but I can't write about most of it.  This was suppose to be my outlet to vent my anxieties, but right now I don't know how I can do that.

I can say that God has really shown himself to be the most important thing in my life.  I can say that I have learned a few things about the people in my life.  I am so thankful I have many people who love me dispute my HUGE flaws.  What flaws, you ask?  Just kidding, I'm not that arrogant.  I'm sure you know know a few (or maybe a lot).

I can say I have had a fantastic time with (complete list?) grandma, great uncle, aunt, uncle, cousins, home friend, mom, dad, brother, and best friend.  That's it really.  I don't know if my two friends knew how special they were (I'm not sure if I realized I've only gotten together with two friends!).  I'm very excited for tomorrow.  My husband will finally be joining me!!  I will pick him up at the airport at 5pm tomorrow!!!  I have been extremely emotional.  My husband is so balancing to me.  Phone calls aren't the same.  I'm so much better when we are together.

I have noticed one thing since I've been here.  Maybe it's just the places I've been, but customer service seems to have suffered since the economy took a dump.  Is there a connection or is it just me?  There has been exceptions, like the waiter today, but I've noticed some really startling behavior by people in the costumer service business.  You know, it's very possible costumers are more stressed, then perhaps they are the problem.

The waiter today: (amazing)  At a Thai food place named Bahn Thai Cuisine.  I stopped the waiter to ask him if he was Thai, and he gave me his story and explained about the food.  It was so neat, and amazing food by the way!  It's near Plymouth, MN by the way.

I won't give the negative examples, but I am curious what people think.

I am loving the green.  I've been to PA, NY, MD, MN, and ND so far and boy, it's all greener than the desert.  Oooooooooo, it is going to be hard to go back to the desert.

Domestically speaking

It went so smoothly!  I was able to fly the first leg of the journey with good Doha friends.  We met at the airport and got coffee first.  Yum!  I am defiantly addicted to coffee!  We didn't have seats near each other, but they slept the whole time anyway.

I had selected my seat the day before, and had chosen the exit row, but in the middle.  I have never flown in that row and I wanted to see if the leg room was all everyone had gushed about.  This is where I learned that this is also the baby row.  I sat by the a really cute baby who was very good.  I don't think I'll do this row in the future, though.  This baby was good, but I don't think I'd want to risk it.

When we got to London, the friends and I shared a meal (that they paid for very graciously) at a nice restaurant.  Good British bacon!  Baaaaaaacon.  :-)  Have missed that.  Turkey bacon is NOT the same.

The next flight was the the best.  I actually sat by a real Qatari family!  I sat next to two sisters and got some answers from them about Qatari.  Qatari woman do not have to wear the abaya legally.  Just whatever their family tells them to wear.  They said they never wear the black abaya.  I also asked them another very important question.  Have they seen the newest Harry Potter movie?  They hadn't!!  I couldn't believe it, but at least they'd seen all the other Harry Potter's.

I figured out something else too.  I think I know why Jane Eyre never came out in Qatar.  Because in the movie, the director centralized the drama about her agreeing to marry Mr. Rotchester and be his second wife. Since his first wife was nuts, he didn't consider that his first wife counted, but Jane Eyre (once she found out about his wife) would not marry him, or more precisely be his mistress.  As up to four wives in legal in Qatar I'm guessing that may be the reason why it never showed.  What do you think?

And the food was GOOD!  I sign up for the lactose free meal, which turns out to be the Vegetarian/Vegan meal.  It was really good.  I'm considering looking some vegan recipes up specifically because of the airplane food!  Who has said anything near that before?  Probably not very many people.

I got to Ohare with plenty of time.  I actually got randomly selected to get my bags checked by homeland security.  It was really interesting.  There was no line and they were super nice.  They were curious about Qatar (they had to be, but they asked about the weather too, which I'm sure had nothing do with their job).

The next flight I learned a lot about how to be a frequent flier.  The first thing I learned was Do Not wait for your group to be called because there won't be room in the over head compartment for your carry on.  Or reserve a seat in the very back so that your group is called first and you can for sure get space.

The gal finally called my group, the last one.  I got on the plane and people were not moving.  "Back up, back up."  The flight attendant in the back of the plane yelled.  I was just right by the cockpit by another flight attendant.  She was on the speaker telling people to move forward and go to their seats then they would get the baggage situation dealt with.  I couldn't help but smile.

Finally, I was able to find my seat, row 15.  I dropped one bag then looked for space in the overhead for the other.  There were three attendants standing by the coffee.  Is there any room back there?  There was, one space left in the over head above row 32.  I took it, but felt horrible as there were lots of people behind me.  I was told there would be no curb side check unless there needed to be at the end.  I felt so bad.

I then crawled and jumped over these people and their baggage to get back to my row.  I noticed that people were packed already into the rows in front of mine.  They were smarter than me and had not waited for their group to be called.  They knew how it worked.  When an attendant was standing next to me, I asked what I should do differently next time to avoid what happened.  "Check your bags."

Oh my.  She was not having a good day.  I decided not to mention that when taking their airline last time my flights had been cancelled twice and they had lost baggage and that second bag was carrying a change of clothes along with other overnight stuff.  Poor gal seemed like she had taken about as much as she could take for the day.  Poor thing.

I decided it would be my goal to encourage these attendants as I waited for everyone else to get off the plane so I could get my bag.  I was able to make them smile at least as I made small talk while I waited.  I hope that airline makes some changes.  Their flight attendants are really stressed it seems.

Now I'm home, with a good nights sleep.  When I woke up this morning, I went out on the porch.  It was so beautiful!  The wind blew threw the leaves of the numerous trees making it sound like a stream of water.  The smell of the flowers was wafting in the air as a bumble bee flew past.  I had trouble tearing myself away for a shower.

Doha Dayz

So, husband and I decided for my last day we would order pizza.  I asked if I could get a calzone.  He asked me to order it so he wouldn't have to pick it up.  This is when I had a Doha moment...

I called and the person who answered asked me what the name of the area I lived in was called.  Doesn't this sound like a simple question?  In a city that could make up it's mind about landmarks, it would be, but here not so much.  I told her I was on the edge of two areas.  This is when she starts trying to get me to decide which it is.

(side note:  the smell of sewage just started wafting from the bedroom bathroom as I wrote.  I had to pause, shut the bathroom door, turn on the fan, open the window, and light three candles.  This is normal for Doha...)

Moving forward on the calzone.  The gal on the phone tells me I must give her the name of the area, the name of the compound, and the street name I live on to get the pizza I want.  Again, these would be easy questions if I wasn't living here, but here, not so easy.  I tried to explain to her that we are in Doha and street names change and often don't exist.  I further explained that my compound nor my street has a name.  I thought, maybe she's new here.  She told me no pizza for me unless I give in and give her the street name.

I moved on to my next strategy to get calzone.  I told her I could give her really good directions.  She said I could try to talk to her manager.  The sad look on my face that she could not see was not making any impact on her.

I gave my sob story to the manager.  He said I could give him directions.  I had no idea I knew the city better than somebody.  I started understanding why they were zeroing in on getting the street name.  Finally, we came to a mutual understanding on where he could deliver the goods.

Then the bomb dropped.  He asked me what I would like to order.

"One Hawaiian calzone."

"You mean Hawaiian pizza?"

"No, calzone."

"We don't deliver calzones."

"But I bought one at the resturant several times."

"We don't deliver calzones, just pizza."

My world fell.  I cancelled my order after all that.  Then I called my prince charming, my wonderful husband.  I told him the whole story.  He laughed the whole time.  He said he would be glad to go pick up a calzone for me.  Oh my goodness.  He is truly my prince charming.

I've changed

I have changed my mind... about a LOT of things since I got married.  Sometimes I feel bad for my husband because he tries so hard to remember who I am, but then I go and change.  And he tries so hard to help me be true to myself (and to God first), but I change or I change my mind.

Ways I've changed since marring my husband:
-I wear more makeup
-I don't wear t-shirts except on a rare occasion
-I like good special surprises
-I want babies
-I've gained some much needed weight (although I'd be okay with not gaining any more)
-I can cook a little bit better
-I cut my hair
-I'm a lot less anxious
-I understand my mother-in-law way better
-I LOVE the beauty in Montana
-I like the idea of hiking (though it is still tough to actually get me on a hike)
-I use money differently (my priorities are rounding to be a little more like my husbands)
-I like apple pie
-I like mushrooms in things (but not alone or in big chunks)
-I know how to use a complicated hair dryer (my wonderful friend showed me how, she has sisters)
-I'm not so much a phone person

There's more, but these are all those are changes SINCE I got married.  Do you know how confusing that is for a man who has never had sisters, but loves his wife?  Poor guy.  He's doing great, but he always feels a step behind.  "But I thought you didn't like mushrooms..."  :-)

decorating

I was talking with a friend about houses and what we want in them.  She said that she likes to see what other people are doing and get ideas.  She mentioned that she tried to do a few ideas in a less expensive way than the person did who she got the idea from.  She found that they came off looking cheap for the most part and decided when she does something she will spend the money.  I have found this to be true for many things.  It is a rare occasion that one can really get the high quality for cheap.  For example, when I buy cheap clothes, they end up falling apart much sooner.  Getting higher quality on sale however, that is possible, you just have to know how to do it and be patient for sales.  I am a Gap/Old Navy girl, but I never have to buy things full price because I have a Gap card and I wait for the sales in my email box (and ALWAYS pay the bill on time or early).

But, going along a similar topic to that which I started, decorating is involved!  Especially for someone like me who has never picked where she gets to live and has never been in a place that is really hers.  When I was a child, I lived in my parents house.  When I was in college, a dorm or apartment (for too short a time to really paint or decorate).  When I got married, I moved to a house my husband bought before he met me and had to beg whenever I wanted to change something.  And then we moved overseas and packed both our attempts to decorate up in big plastic bins.  And now, overseas, we live in a villa our company chose for us with furniture that is not ours and walls made of concrete (very difficult to hammer a nail into for pictures :-).  If I ever am able to live in a place that I get to help pick and my husband and I own, I would love to decorate.  But I don't think about it much since I don't know if or when that will ever happen.

But if I were to think about it...  I'd want a big kitchen.  One with an island in it.  It would be tiled with Turkish style tiles.  Bright and lots of natural light.  The theme would be old eastern American barns, emphasis on the red.  Hmm, I sense a clash between the Turkish style and the barns.  I would be light on the Turkish tiles, but I have to have them.  A yellow maybe to compliment the red.  If I can get the right color of blue, a few blue tiles too.  I want a kitchen table to match, preferably the one that my grandma said I can have, that is in her basement.  Though she said she might get rid of it since I won't be taking it in the foreseeable future.  But this is a day dream, so I can have whatever I want.  You know, I don't care much about the rest of the house.  I just love living in the kitchen.  Someday, maybe when we are 70.  Or maybe I should just let go of it now and concentrate on the wonderful things God has given me, which is already more than I ever imagined.

But I'm taking my vitamins

I've also been thinking about babies.  Sorry, that's on my mind like all the time.  It takes real restraint NOT to talk about it.  I did all sorts of research and I know a little more of what is going on.  I started getting crazy stressed.  There are all sorts of do's and don'ts for this pre-pregnancy stage!  You know something I read said you could want to get pregnant too much, and then I started freaking out that I wanted it too much.  There's other crazy stuff, but some of it is stupid.  But, I'm taking my vitamins.  That's good, right?  I'm doing something right?  I only forget like three times a week.  

Okay, the big question for the week... I'm getting a massage next week.  Should I cancel it?  If I'm pregnant and don't know it, could it hurt the baby, even if it's a pea (smaller than a pea)?  Does this mean I can't get massages until I either get pregnant or know I can't get pregnant?  That's sad.  :-(  Ridiculous.

And what about hot tubs?  Am I restricted from them until forever too???  Hot tubs...  sad.

I'm still battling my anxiety, day by day.  Today it's felt easy.

Laughing at my house

I was so excited about how well my blog went over yesterday.  Thank you to all who read, and especially those who commented.  It was very encouraging to keep writing.  It's kinda funny, when I'm talking to my friends, I have to kind of feel out weather they've read it or not.  I don't want to make them feel bad by saying, "As I said in my blog..." yet, sometimes friends need an update.   I'm enjoying my blog.

I'm making cookies, double chocolate oatmeal cookies waiting for the buzzer to ding so I can take this cookie sheet out, and put the next one in.  As I write and wait, my dog looks at me from the other side of the kitchen door.  He has gotten a little better over the months.  He's not barking at me as he waits for me to decide weather or not to let him in (it depends on how much time he has spent out there, that's my gage for weather he has done his thing).  Also, the maintenance guys came today to fix a leaky air conditioner, and when they buzzed (he barked, but...) he went to the kitchen when I told him to go.  He and the maintenance guys don't get along, and it is better if they are never in the same room.  Which is a good lead in to what I wanted to think about today.

There is so much, I mean, so much wrong with this house.  Our company actually pays for maintenance people because stuff breaks down in the rentals like all the time!  And much of it is never repaired, or unrepairable.

A short list would be:
-the fridge buzzes
-water leaks out of the bathtub whenever a shower is taken (both bathrooms)
-no room is level
-the grout needs redone in the whole house
-one  to five a/c units out of seven are always broken
-cockroaches
-ants
-the sewage backs up often
-the tolits often flush so slowly that you are lucky if two flushes, flushes it down
 -water fuze goes out often
-the garage door takes three well timed presses of the button to get the door all the way down (which might have been fixed today, we will cross our fingers)

Getting to the laughter part.  I let these things get to me.  And it is always when a guest is coming for dinner, or two stay for a week or two (both are the case today and tomorrow) when something like neither a/c units in the living room work.  I let it get to me.  Today, I think I did so-so.  Definitely could have had a better attitude when the door was buzzing at 7:45 in the morning because the garage door people were here to fix it.  I didn't answer the door.  I was NOT presentable.  But they kept buzzing... and buzzing.  To my embarrassment, I chose not to answer.  I have no good excuse other than I was trying to wake up, and didn't think I would be able to get presentable in time.  Finally, the company called and asked me to let them in, but they said one of their guys was with the garage door fixer people.  I asked, since he has a key, would they mind asking him to open the door as it would take me a while to get ready... as long, I said, as they weren't going to have to come inside (if they were coming in, I would force decent clothes on and put a bandanna on my unwashed hair before I let them inside).

In my defense, I rarely know what day or time the maintenance are coming to fix something.  In their defense, they are working on making a phone call the day before.

I believe working on having a more positive attitude about all things fixable will improve my anxiety levels.  How, you ask.  Well, when I become anxious one of two things happens:  I cry or I get mad.  Neither are helpful, ever.  Well, not ever, but for the purposes of this thought process, ever.  I need to look at broken a/c units and a semi broken laundry machine (forgot to put that on the list) and think, life is good.  We have so much, we have a happy marriage and an amazing God.  These things are to make life funny.  Laughter is good, learn to laugh.  I can laugh now.  So what if I my oven is too small for a roaster pan, I'll be able to put it in my book someday and so more people than me will be able to laugh about it.  Isn't laughter better than the rest of it anyway.  

Smile today

I am a Gilmore Girls junki.  The last season is awful, but I still own it.  (he he he)  (by the way, the "he, he, he" is an ode to my best friend, R.  She got me started on the Gilmore Girls, and though I think she is tired to death of them now, I still think of her when I watch the shows.  Love you R!)

But the last episode of the first season of the Gilmore Girls...  aw, sigh.  It just makes me smile. It reminds me of how happy life is.  1000 yellow daisies.  Do you know what I'm talking about?  And Rory and Dean love each other...  The town troubadour "Everyone needs a little sunshine."  sigh.

It inspires me.  I'm going to write my husband a letter telling him how much I love him and how glad I am that we both want to be parents.  I'm just so happy.

I'm getting shocked less and less, by the way.  It's been over two weeks of this wonderful withdrawal symptom, but I see the end.  It won't be long now!  And, on an equally wonderful note, I didn't wake up scared last night!  So many people were praying for me (thank you, thank you, thank you!!) and I felt God's peace.  What a gift.  It's not required that he give it you know.  I know I can learn a lot from the tough times, and I know God allows people to go through them for their and others betterment (meaning so they get closer to Him).  Every time God gives me peace, I feel the same way I felt the day my dad took me out of school to take me to lunch down town.  You know, I know my dad loves me, but when he took me out of school to take me to lunch, I felt like a princess.  It's hard to explain.  I knew that wasn't going to be an every day thing, it couldn't be, I was determined to get strait A's (which I didn't always, but I tried my best).  It just gave me something to hold on to, that I could always look back on as evidence of my dad's love even when he drove me nuts.  Anyway, that's how I feel today.

I making bread today.  I asked my husband for suggestions, he wants his mom's bread.  :-)  I'll have to call her for some recipes.  She is an amazing cook.

Smile today, okay!

Woke up from screaming

Actually, I woke up at 3am in my husbands arms.  This is very unusual as we are not cuddles in bed.  We like our space.  I heard him asking me if I was scared.  I didn't answer right away because I only had a vague memory of a bad dream.  He said I was screaming in a desperate way.

My mind when to the book I've been reading where it talks about people, even Christians, who start speaking in a strange way and don't remember it because it is a demon.  In all those analogies, the person couldn't speak the name of Christ.  And I could.  I asked my husband to pray with me again.  Then, I recited Isaiah 41:10 until I had calmed down.

Do not fear, for I am with you.  Do not be afraid, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and give you help, and uphold with with My righteous right hand.  Isaiah 41:10

I feel more pressure to finish the book.  But, I know that nothing has changed and that I cannot finish it on my own.  My sister-in-law emailed back.  She is praying.  I emailed her back again and told her about last night.  I also told her that I would like to finish the book with her if I don't get a chance to do so sooner.

I also emailed my counselor.   She emailed back a prayer and mentioned something about giving my doctor wisdom.  I don't have any intention of telling him about this.  I think it is about the book, not the meds, and I have no desire to be on anxiety medication again!  I will explain that to her, because I also don't have any intention of deceiving her in any way, since God (who did all the work) used her a lot.

I am a girl who belongs to God.  I got held up at gun point a year and a half ago.  Because of that I have had the opportunity to work through all my anxiety, related to that and unrelated.  I am more of a mess now, in a lot of ways, but I am also healthier than I've ever been.  I've worked through the boat load, and I'm getting through the leftover pieces now.  God is good.  No book is going to put me back where I was!  God may allow me to go through this, but because I am resting my faith in Christ, I'm going to get through it.

I just read an article today about how "you" have to be careful about what you put on social networks because people who hire now check them.  I've been thinking about that in relation to my blog.  I haven't finished thinking. 

I got scared this week

It's 12:30 at night and my husband is in the shower, so I have like 15 minutes to explain.

I've been reading this book called the Bondage Breaker this week.  My wonderful sister-in-law recommended it highly to me when she found out I am struggling with anxiety.  She went through it, for different reasons, and loved it and it really impacted her life.  Basically, this book talks about how many of the lies we believe come from demons and Satan whispering in our ear  (and how to stand firm in Christ and keep your eyes on him) from a Biblical standpoint.  That's not to say that all Christians agree with him, but the evidence for what he says is very grounded in scripture.

Anyway, I'm not sure I recommend it for those struggling with anxiety.  Why, you ask.  I have had nightmares all week including my dog being possessed by a demon and going to a house and a whole lot of dead invisible people talking to me.  Creepy!  I think it may be a good book, but probably not wise for someone to read alone after dark.

I can't finish it.  I actually want to finish it, but I'm afraid to.  I emailed my sister-in-law telling her how freaked out I was, but she doesn't check messages that often I think.  :-(  Maybe when I go home, I'll finish it with her.  I want to hear her opinions and I wonder if it scared her.

Well, I put it on the bookshelf to be saved for Not when I am going through anxiety medicine withdrawal (and hopefully a time when I don't have to go through it by myself).  But I am a very curious person, and I would like to finish it.  Maybe in a couple months...

Back to my biographies...

I am reading I am Hutterite.  I good book, but go figure, in the second chapter she sees visions of her dead mother because she misses her mom so much.  I was so freaked out that night.  I had to wake my husband up and ask him to pray for me so I could even go back to sleep.  I may have had to do that every night this week.  Pathetic or cute?  I guess it depends on weather you are my husband or not.  I love him so much!

Julia and thoughts...

I don't know how to post a link...  Maybe here?  It didn't seem to work anywhere else.

http://youtu.be/7hqLTAHnrac

In this clip, Julie talks about how the ex-pat women in Paris don't do anything and how she could never do that.  I have several friends who feel the same way and who found a job, etc.  But there are a lot of ex-pat women here who don't do anything, just like Julia's friends.  I think I'm between the two.  I am perfectly content to spend a day just around the house cooking, writing letters, watching movies, making phone calls, and reading.   But I also love being involved.  During the year, I was out so much during the week I was exhausted, the summer is much more relaxing, but can be boring.  Well, toady was maybe only the second time I have been bored so far.  Although, I do have one project I have totally been neglecting that I might get to tonight.  Planning the games for a friends baby shower, fun.  :-)

I normally try to keep my blog to one cohesive thought (all six posts anyway...), but today I have another thought.  My husband and I are trying to have kids now, and a thought hit me hard this morning.  I could be in labor nine months from now.  Recently, this has not scared me, but this morning... like a ton of bricks.  The scared feeling is mostly gone and the excitement is 90 percent back, but wow.  What's labor going to be like?  I have a good friend who has offered herself as a pregnancy partner (I think she called it) if I get pregnant.  That will be nice to have a friend who has already gone through this whole mess... or something (give me a break, the thought of pregnancy may be exciting, but it is also terrifying!).

awkward

So, I'm off this crazy medication, ya?  And I'm getting this crazing shocking side affect (that is making me dizzy and giving me headaches too now, just so my vast audience knows), ya?  Well, I've been weepy for the last two days too.  Not only that, but I've been flushing all the time again.  I thought I was over that.

It's crazy how on guard I have to be against my anxiety.  I feel like tripping up would be so easy right now.  I could fall right back into old habits.  One of my friends hasn't said hello to me in the ways I want for two days.  I had to have a pow-wow (ha and you thought I could spell!) with my husband.  "Honey, I ask people how they were doing either.  She can't read my mind and realize how difficult the last week has been for me.  With all that is going on in her life, she's got to be overwhelmed as it is.  I need to trust the friendship."

I am admitting to you, I am not very good at that.  I am the type of person that would prefer to scratch the friendship instead of going though the hard time.  I would rather start over than risk being rejected.  I can be so selfish, that I will reject the friendship and the friend first, before they can reject me.  It's like what happened last night.  If I don't have my ducks all in a row with a friendship, I start complaining about the friend and reject them in my mind so I don't have to get hurt.

But, I'm battling my anxiety!  I will not give in anymore.  I'm going to let my friendships ebb and flow and let the hard times come.  Normally, I might write this person an email in order to fix things right away.  Today, I am going to wait until I see her later this week, and just tell her I was struggling with selfishness this week and leave the details out.  Why leave the details out, you ask?  Because I'm not going to burden her with solving my problem.  Me and my God can solve it (with help from my husband and a little blogging therapy), and I'm just going to keep being her friend and not sabotage it.

Ha, my pathetic attempts to be normal.  

Obsessed with fixing things right away

I am pretty dang proud of myself today.  I am the type of person who likes to fix things right away.  More than a few people know that.  If I'm afraid something is wrong, I may call about three times (seven if you are my husband).  But today, I only called twice.

I had a misunderstanding with my friend.  A couple of my girl friends and I went to see a movie... and there was a word that I hated!  A phrase actually.  "You deserve to be happy."  On the drive back for them to drop me at my place, I had a fit about how American's alway think they "deserve" to be happy.  Only, my friends had no idea what exactly I was talking about... since they aren't American.

Then when we got back to my place, one friend wanted to borrow a movie.  As she was picking one out, the dog starting hoeling because we left him in the kitchen.  My husband is walking to the back rooms and says something to me... that of course I didn't hear...  "What, honey... what?  What?"  "I'm not going to take care of the dog!"

Oops.  My friends left feeling awkward.  Not only a half conversation left in the lurch, but it sounded like my husband was mad at me.  Awkward...

Guess what?  My husband, not mad.  Guess what?  I wasn't as angry at the American culture as it came off.  Still want to finish that conversation, friend...

But the point... I wanted to fix things right away.  And my wonderful husband, being so wonderful, offered to call my friend and at least tell her he wasn't mad at me (he is so sweet).  But, we called twice and no answer.  But, God is good.  I don't have to fix things right away.  I will conquer my anxiety and say no to my self (who wants all my ducks to be in a row right away).  Instead, I will trust my friendship with my wonderful friends.  Of course, I did still have the urge to blog about it... I guess I still have a ways to go.

But, HA Anxiety!  You do not have the power over me you used to, and I will continue to say No to you.  HA.

I'm so glad I don't have a following.  It feels good to express myself knowing that most likely, these little embarrassing things I put in here will be soon forgotten.  :-)  But for some reason, it is a strange/good therapy to publish it.  

how long?

I called my doctor about the electrical shocks I'm having.  He said that it could last a month.  I search online for withdrawal symptoms of the medication...  people have a hard time coming off this medication!!!  Why didn't I talk to my doctor before hand about this?  I know why... I was desperate to not have panic attacks.  Woooo.  It's not a painful withdrawal, but it is exhausting!  I feel so tired.  

I will never get on a medication again without asking more questions!  I have never had to deal with such a horrible side effect for anything I've been on.  I don't think.  I guess I'm lucky that I haven't had to take many medications.  

shock-shock-shock

I'm tired.  Lesson learned.  I had medication!!!  shock

Wasted Time

I've been thinking about parts of high school a lot in the last couple days.  Two of my home town friends got married.  One friend married boy who lived next door to me growing up.  

Most days I would prefer to forget those four years even existed!  But there were some good things.  There was a boy who liked me who I passed up for a loser who never liked me anyway.  There was a boy that liked me who I ignored and was not very nice to because I was afraid that any niceness that was directed toward him might be misunderstood.  There was a boy I liked who I kept trying not to like.  Everyday for the first three years of high school my diary had pages and pages of self loathing statements, not because the boy did not like me, but because I knew I should not like the boy.  He was dating someone else. 

If I could do it all again, I'd tell that boy I liked him so I wouldn't hate myself for liking him for three years (it was only high school!!).  I'd be nicer to that other boy.  And that boy who liked me who I passed up for a loser, I'd have made friends with him.  I think we could have become great friends and might still be friends today.  I would have enjoyed my senior year MUCH more had I dated him than spent time with the loser.  It was never meant to be "him (the good guy) and I", but he was the most quality guy in my life in those four years, and it would be nice to have him and his wife as good friends now.  

One more thing I would do completely differently... I would focus on enjoying life.  I was so wrapped up in who I should be and who I wanted to become one day, that I wasted time worrying about things.  Sometimes, I wish I would have gotten medication and counseling back then for my anxiety.  It was there then too, the gun in my face just exaggerated it to the point where I had no choice but to get help.  Oh, the time I've wasted in my life being anxious!  I still have to consciously work on enjoying my life some days.  

Withdrawal symptoms???

For the last three days I have been experiencing a supposedly common withdrawal symptom of coming off of the medication I've been on.  Electrical pulses.  One website referred to this withdrawal symptom as "brain zaps".  That pretty accurate.  I was only on the medication for... I guess seven months.  I thought you had be on a high dose and for longer to have withdrawal symptoms!  Ugg!

I got up this morning early to get together with a friend and go shopping.  It doesn't hurt, but every time I move, turn my head, step to hard---zap.  My father-in-law keeps these shocking toys around to tease people with.  A fake pen, a gum zapper, a laser light.  I can't stand them.  Imagine if someone was following you around all day with one of these and zapping you every few steps.  It doesn't hurt, but you get really annoyed after a while.

I will be spending the rest of my afternoon NOT moving.

Third Attempt

This is my third attempt at writing a blog. I never seem to stick with it, but every once in a while I have this overwhelming desire to express myself. Well, I can't sing, dance, play any sort of instrument, I have artistic ability on par with my dog, I'm still learning how to cook, according to a past roommate I have no fashion sense (hence buying clothes to express myself would be a waste of money), I'm not a speaker, and I'm really rather boring. I am never bored, but I am quite sure I am boring.

To tell you the truth, I warned my husband before we got married that I was boring. He told me he thought he was boring too, so it was fine with him. Guess what? He discovered he was not boring. He likes to be outdoors, play with the dog, play with fire, play baseball, play tennis, explore whatever country he is in, he is a talented writer; really I could go on. He has had to come to the realization that his wife is boring and he still has to stick things out with me until one of us keels over dead (we don't believe in divorce). Poor guy, and he still says he is head over heals in love with me. Go figure?

Well, as I'm sure you have discovered by now, I'm not the most talented writer either. I'm my husbands editor. No, I can't spell and I have no sense of grammar (I'm sure that is a sixth sense), but I usually do a pretty good job of content editing his articles. Ironically, my comments often mirror his editors. I'm flattered by this, but since I'm not the one getting paid to write the article, I won't take on airs.

To be quite honest, the reason I thought of writing today is because my husband and I are almost ready to consider a baby. After my being held up at gun point by a young man (probably after money for his drug habit) a year and a half ago, I got a little dose of anxiety. After being able to quit my job, get therapy and medication for six months, I have now been declared healthy.

My husband wants many kids and initially wanted to start trying right away. I was not on the same page as I was thinking maybe one kid at a time after five years. Now, three and a half years in, we are going to go for it. We will probably wait a few more months, but who knows, I feel ready.

Anyway, I'm thinking to just jot down my thoughts here for a while. There might be some politics and religion mixed in, but generally it will just be thoughts.

In my dreams, this will some day become a movie. But in reality, maybe three people will read it. :-)