Wasted Time

I've been thinking about parts of high school a lot in the last couple days.  Two of my home town friends got married.  One friend married boy who lived next door to me growing up.  

Most days I would prefer to forget those four years even existed!  But there were some good things.  There was a boy who liked me who I passed up for a loser who never liked me anyway.  There was a boy that liked me who I ignored and was not very nice to because I was afraid that any niceness that was directed toward him might be misunderstood.  There was a boy I liked who I kept trying not to like.  Everyday for the first three years of high school my diary had pages and pages of self loathing statements, not because the boy did not like me, but because I knew I should not like the boy.  He was dating someone else. 

If I could do it all again, I'd tell that boy I liked him so I wouldn't hate myself for liking him for three years (it was only high school!!).  I'd be nicer to that other boy.  And that boy who liked me who I passed up for a loser, I'd have made friends with him.  I think we could have become great friends and might still be friends today.  I would have enjoyed my senior year MUCH more had I dated him than spent time with the loser.  It was never meant to be "him (the good guy) and I", but he was the most quality guy in my life in those four years, and it would be nice to have him and his wife as good friends now.  

One more thing I would do completely differently... I would focus on enjoying life.  I was so wrapped up in who I should be and who I wanted to become one day, that I wasted time worrying about things.  Sometimes, I wish I would have gotten medication and counseling back then for my anxiety.  It was there then too, the gun in my face just exaggerated it to the point where I had no choice but to get help.  Oh, the time I've wasted in my life being anxious!  I still have to consciously work on enjoying my life some days.