Laughing at my house

I was so excited about how well my blog went over yesterday.  Thank you to all who read, and especially those who commented.  It was very encouraging to keep writing.  It's kinda funny, when I'm talking to my friends, I have to kind of feel out weather they've read it or not.  I don't want to make them feel bad by saying, "As I said in my blog..." yet, sometimes friends need an update.   I'm enjoying my blog.

I'm making cookies, double chocolate oatmeal cookies waiting for the buzzer to ding so I can take this cookie sheet out, and put the next one in.  As I write and wait, my dog looks at me from the other side of the kitchen door.  He has gotten a little better over the months.  He's not barking at me as he waits for me to decide weather or not to let him in (it depends on how much time he has spent out there, that's my gage for weather he has done his thing).  Also, the maintenance guys came today to fix a leaky air conditioner, and when they buzzed (he barked, but...) he went to the kitchen when I told him to go.  He and the maintenance guys don't get along, and it is better if they are never in the same room.  Which is a good lead in to what I wanted to think about today.

There is so much, I mean, so much wrong with this house.  Our company actually pays for maintenance people because stuff breaks down in the rentals like all the time!  And much of it is never repaired, or unrepairable.

A short list would be:
-the fridge buzzes
-water leaks out of the bathtub whenever a shower is taken (both bathrooms)
-no room is level
-the grout needs redone in the whole house
-one  to five a/c units out of seven are always broken
-cockroaches
-ants
-the sewage backs up often
-the tolits often flush so slowly that you are lucky if two flushes, flushes it down
 -water fuze goes out often
-the garage door takes three well timed presses of the button to get the door all the way down (which might have been fixed today, we will cross our fingers)

Getting to the laughter part.  I let these things get to me.  And it is always when a guest is coming for dinner, or two stay for a week or two (both are the case today and tomorrow) when something like neither a/c units in the living room work.  I let it get to me.  Today, I think I did so-so.  Definitely could have had a better attitude when the door was buzzing at 7:45 in the morning because the garage door people were here to fix it.  I didn't answer the door.  I was NOT presentable.  But they kept buzzing... and buzzing.  To my embarrassment, I chose not to answer.  I have no good excuse other than I was trying to wake up, and didn't think I would be able to get presentable in time.  Finally, the company called and asked me to let them in, but they said one of their guys was with the garage door fixer people.  I asked, since he has a key, would they mind asking him to open the door as it would take me a while to get ready... as long, I said, as they weren't going to have to come inside (if they were coming in, I would force decent clothes on and put a bandanna on my unwashed hair before I let them inside).

In my defense, I rarely know what day or time the maintenance are coming to fix something.  In their defense, they are working on making a phone call the day before.

I believe working on having a more positive attitude about all things fixable will improve my anxiety levels.  How, you ask.  Well, when I become anxious one of two things happens:  I cry or I get mad.  Neither are helpful, ever.  Well, not ever, but for the purposes of this thought process, ever.  I need to look at broken a/c units and a semi broken laundry machine (forgot to put that on the list) and think, life is good.  We have so much, we have a happy marriage and an amazing God.  These things are to make life funny.  Laughter is good, learn to laugh.  I can laugh now.  So what if I my oven is too small for a roaster pan, I'll be able to put it in my book someday and so more people than me will be able to laugh about it.  Isn't laughter better than the rest of it anyway.  

Smile today

I am a Gilmore Girls junki.  The last season is awful, but I still own it.  (he he he)  (by the way, the "he, he, he" is an ode to my best friend, R.  She got me started on the Gilmore Girls, and though I think she is tired to death of them now, I still think of her when I watch the shows.  Love you R!)

But the last episode of the first season of the Gilmore Girls...  aw, sigh.  It just makes me smile. It reminds me of how happy life is.  1000 yellow daisies.  Do you know what I'm talking about?  And Rory and Dean love each other...  The town troubadour "Everyone needs a little sunshine."  sigh.

It inspires me.  I'm going to write my husband a letter telling him how much I love him and how glad I am that we both want to be parents.  I'm just so happy.

I'm getting shocked less and less, by the way.  It's been over two weeks of this wonderful withdrawal symptom, but I see the end.  It won't be long now!  And, on an equally wonderful note, I didn't wake up scared last night!  So many people were praying for me (thank you, thank you, thank you!!) and I felt God's peace.  What a gift.  It's not required that he give it you know.  I know I can learn a lot from the tough times, and I know God allows people to go through them for their and others betterment (meaning so they get closer to Him).  Every time God gives me peace, I feel the same way I felt the day my dad took me out of school to take me to lunch down town.  You know, I know my dad loves me, but when he took me out of school to take me to lunch, I felt like a princess.  It's hard to explain.  I knew that wasn't going to be an every day thing, it couldn't be, I was determined to get strait A's (which I didn't always, but I tried my best).  It just gave me something to hold on to, that I could always look back on as evidence of my dad's love even when he drove me nuts.  Anyway, that's how I feel today.

I making bread today.  I asked my husband for suggestions, he wants his mom's bread.  :-)  I'll have to call her for some recipes.  She is an amazing cook.

Smile today, okay!

Woke up from screaming

Actually, I woke up at 3am in my husbands arms.  This is very unusual as we are not cuddles in bed.  We like our space.  I heard him asking me if I was scared.  I didn't answer right away because I only had a vague memory of a bad dream.  He said I was screaming in a desperate way.

My mind when to the book I've been reading where it talks about people, even Christians, who start speaking in a strange way and don't remember it because it is a demon.  In all those analogies, the person couldn't speak the name of Christ.  And I could.  I asked my husband to pray with me again.  Then, I recited Isaiah 41:10 until I had calmed down.

Do not fear, for I am with you.  Do not be afraid, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and give you help, and uphold with with My righteous right hand.  Isaiah 41:10

I feel more pressure to finish the book.  But, I know that nothing has changed and that I cannot finish it on my own.  My sister-in-law emailed back.  She is praying.  I emailed her back again and told her about last night.  I also told her that I would like to finish the book with her if I don't get a chance to do so sooner.

I also emailed my counselor.   She emailed back a prayer and mentioned something about giving my doctor wisdom.  I don't have any intention of telling him about this.  I think it is about the book, not the meds, and I have no desire to be on anxiety medication again!  I will explain that to her, because I also don't have any intention of deceiving her in any way, since God (who did all the work) used her a lot.

I am a girl who belongs to God.  I got held up at gun point a year and a half ago.  Because of that I have had the opportunity to work through all my anxiety, related to that and unrelated.  I am more of a mess now, in a lot of ways, but I am also healthier than I've ever been.  I've worked through the boat load, and I'm getting through the leftover pieces now.  God is good.  No book is going to put me back where I was!  God may allow me to go through this, but because I am resting my faith in Christ, I'm going to get through it.

I just read an article today about how "you" have to be careful about what you put on social networks because people who hire now check them.  I've been thinking about that in relation to my blog.  I haven't finished thinking. 

I got scared this week

It's 12:30 at night and my husband is in the shower, so I have like 15 minutes to explain.

I've been reading this book called the Bondage Breaker this week.  My wonderful sister-in-law recommended it highly to me when she found out I am struggling with anxiety.  She went through it, for different reasons, and loved it and it really impacted her life.  Basically, this book talks about how many of the lies we believe come from demons and Satan whispering in our ear  (and how to stand firm in Christ and keep your eyes on him) from a Biblical standpoint.  That's not to say that all Christians agree with him, but the evidence for what he says is very grounded in scripture.

Anyway, I'm not sure I recommend it for those struggling with anxiety.  Why, you ask.  I have had nightmares all week including my dog being possessed by a demon and going to a house and a whole lot of dead invisible people talking to me.  Creepy!  I think it may be a good book, but probably not wise for someone to read alone after dark.

I can't finish it.  I actually want to finish it, but I'm afraid to.  I emailed my sister-in-law telling her how freaked out I was, but she doesn't check messages that often I think.  :-(  Maybe when I go home, I'll finish it with her.  I want to hear her opinions and I wonder if it scared her.

Well, I put it on the bookshelf to be saved for Not when I am going through anxiety medicine withdrawal (and hopefully a time when I don't have to go through it by myself).  But I am a very curious person, and I would like to finish it.  Maybe in a couple months...

Back to my biographies...

I am reading I am Hutterite.  I good book, but go figure, in the second chapter she sees visions of her dead mother because she misses her mom so much.  I was so freaked out that night.  I had to wake my husband up and ask him to pray for me so I could even go back to sleep.  I may have had to do that every night this week.  Pathetic or cute?  I guess it depends on weather you are my husband or not.  I love him so much!

Julia and thoughts...

I don't know how to post a link...  Maybe here?  It didn't seem to work anywhere else.

http://youtu.be/7hqLTAHnrac

In this clip, Julie talks about how the ex-pat women in Paris don't do anything and how she could never do that.  I have several friends who feel the same way and who found a job, etc.  But there are a lot of ex-pat women here who don't do anything, just like Julia's friends.  I think I'm between the two.  I am perfectly content to spend a day just around the house cooking, writing letters, watching movies, making phone calls, and reading.   But I also love being involved.  During the year, I was out so much during the week I was exhausted, the summer is much more relaxing, but can be boring.  Well, toady was maybe only the second time I have been bored so far.  Although, I do have one project I have totally been neglecting that I might get to tonight.  Planning the games for a friends baby shower, fun.  :-)

I normally try to keep my blog to one cohesive thought (all six posts anyway...), but today I have another thought.  My husband and I are trying to have kids now, and a thought hit me hard this morning.  I could be in labor nine months from now.  Recently, this has not scared me, but this morning... like a ton of bricks.  The scared feeling is mostly gone and the excitement is 90 percent back, but wow.  What's labor going to be like?  I have a good friend who has offered herself as a pregnancy partner (I think she called it) if I get pregnant.  That will be nice to have a friend who has already gone through this whole mess... or something (give me a break, the thought of pregnancy may be exciting, but it is also terrifying!).

awkward

So, I'm off this crazy medication, ya?  And I'm getting this crazing shocking side affect (that is making me dizzy and giving me headaches too now, just so my vast audience knows), ya?  Well, I've been weepy for the last two days too.  Not only that, but I've been flushing all the time again.  I thought I was over that.

It's crazy how on guard I have to be against my anxiety.  I feel like tripping up would be so easy right now.  I could fall right back into old habits.  One of my friends hasn't said hello to me in the ways I want for two days.  I had to have a pow-wow (ha and you thought I could spell!) with my husband.  "Honey, I ask people how they were doing either.  She can't read my mind and realize how difficult the last week has been for me.  With all that is going on in her life, she's got to be overwhelmed as it is.  I need to trust the friendship."

I am admitting to you, I am not very good at that.  I am the type of person that would prefer to scratch the friendship instead of going though the hard time.  I would rather start over than risk being rejected.  I can be so selfish, that I will reject the friendship and the friend first, before they can reject me.  It's like what happened last night.  If I don't have my ducks all in a row with a friendship, I start complaining about the friend and reject them in my mind so I don't have to get hurt.

But, I'm battling my anxiety!  I will not give in anymore.  I'm going to let my friendships ebb and flow and let the hard times come.  Normally, I might write this person an email in order to fix things right away.  Today, I am going to wait until I see her later this week, and just tell her I was struggling with selfishness this week and leave the details out.  Why leave the details out, you ask?  Because I'm not going to burden her with solving my problem.  Me and my God can solve it (with help from my husband and a little blogging therapy), and I'm just going to keep being her friend and not sabotage it.

Ha, my pathetic attempts to be normal.  

Obsessed with fixing things right away

I am pretty dang proud of myself today.  I am the type of person who likes to fix things right away.  More than a few people know that.  If I'm afraid something is wrong, I may call about three times (seven if you are my husband).  But today, I only called twice.

I had a misunderstanding with my friend.  A couple of my girl friends and I went to see a movie... and there was a word that I hated!  A phrase actually.  "You deserve to be happy."  On the drive back for them to drop me at my place, I had a fit about how American's alway think they "deserve" to be happy.  Only, my friends had no idea what exactly I was talking about... since they aren't American.

Then when we got back to my place, one friend wanted to borrow a movie.  As she was picking one out, the dog starting hoeling because we left him in the kitchen.  My husband is walking to the back rooms and says something to me... that of course I didn't hear...  "What, honey... what?  What?"  "I'm not going to take care of the dog!"

Oops.  My friends left feeling awkward.  Not only a half conversation left in the lurch, but it sounded like my husband was mad at me.  Awkward...

Guess what?  My husband, not mad.  Guess what?  I wasn't as angry at the American culture as it came off.  Still want to finish that conversation, friend...

But the point... I wanted to fix things right away.  And my wonderful husband, being so wonderful, offered to call my friend and at least tell her he wasn't mad at me (he is so sweet).  But, we called twice and no answer.  But, God is good.  I don't have to fix things right away.  I will conquer my anxiety and say no to my self (who wants all my ducks to be in a row right away).  Instead, I will trust my friendship with my wonderful friends.  Of course, I did still have the urge to blog about it... I guess I still have a ways to go.

But, HA Anxiety!  You do not have the power over me you used to, and I will continue to say No to you.  HA.

I'm so glad I don't have a following.  It feels good to express myself knowing that most likely, these little embarrassing things I put in here will be soon forgotten.  :-)  But for some reason, it is a strange/good therapy to publish it.  

how long?

I called my doctor about the electrical shocks I'm having.  He said that it could last a month.  I search online for withdrawal symptoms of the medication...  people have a hard time coming off this medication!!!  Why didn't I talk to my doctor before hand about this?  I know why... I was desperate to not have panic attacks.  Woooo.  It's not a painful withdrawal, but it is exhausting!  I feel so tired.  

I will never get on a medication again without asking more questions!  I have never had to deal with such a horrible side effect for anything I've been on.  I don't think.  I guess I'm lucky that I haven't had to take many medications.  

shock-shock-shock

I'm tired.  Lesson learned.  I had medication!!!  shock

Wasted Time

I've been thinking about parts of high school a lot in the last couple days.  Two of my home town friends got married.  One friend married boy who lived next door to me growing up.  

Most days I would prefer to forget those four years even existed!  But there were some good things.  There was a boy who liked me who I passed up for a loser who never liked me anyway.  There was a boy that liked me who I ignored and was not very nice to because I was afraid that any niceness that was directed toward him might be misunderstood.  There was a boy I liked who I kept trying not to like.  Everyday for the first three years of high school my diary had pages and pages of self loathing statements, not because the boy did not like me, but because I knew I should not like the boy.  He was dating someone else. 

If I could do it all again, I'd tell that boy I liked him so I wouldn't hate myself for liking him for three years (it was only high school!!).  I'd be nicer to that other boy.  And that boy who liked me who I passed up for a loser, I'd have made friends with him.  I think we could have become great friends and might still be friends today.  I would have enjoyed my senior year MUCH more had I dated him than spent time with the loser.  It was never meant to be "him (the good guy) and I", but he was the most quality guy in my life in those four years, and it would be nice to have him and his wife as good friends now.  

One more thing I would do completely differently... I would focus on enjoying life.  I was so wrapped up in who I should be and who I wanted to become one day, that I wasted time worrying about things.  Sometimes, I wish I would have gotten medication and counseling back then for my anxiety.  It was there then too, the gun in my face just exaggerated it to the point where I had no choice but to get help.  Oh, the time I've wasted in my life being anxious!  I still have to consciously work on enjoying my life some days.  

Withdrawal symptoms???

For the last three days I have been experiencing a supposedly common withdrawal symptom of coming off of the medication I've been on.  Electrical pulses.  One website referred to this withdrawal symptom as "brain zaps".  That pretty accurate.  I was only on the medication for... I guess seven months.  I thought you had be on a high dose and for longer to have withdrawal symptoms!  Ugg!

I got up this morning early to get together with a friend and go shopping.  It doesn't hurt, but every time I move, turn my head, step to hard---zap.  My father-in-law keeps these shocking toys around to tease people with.  A fake pen, a gum zapper, a laser light.  I can't stand them.  Imagine if someone was following you around all day with one of these and zapping you every few steps.  It doesn't hurt, but you get really annoyed after a while.

I will be spending the rest of my afternoon NOT moving.

Third Attempt

This is my third attempt at writing a blog. I never seem to stick with it, but every once in a while I have this overwhelming desire to express myself. Well, I can't sing, dance, play any sort of instrument, I have artistic ability on par with my dog, I'm still learning how to cook, according to a past roommate I have no fashion sense (hence buying clothes to express myself would be a waste of money), I'm not a speaker, and I'm really rather boring. I am never bored, but I am quite sure I am boring.

To tell you the truth, I warned my husband before we got married that I was boring. He told me he thought he was boring too, so it was fine with him. Guess what? He discovered he was not boring. He likes to be outdoors, play with the dog, play with fire, play baseball, play tennis, explore whatever country he is in, he is a talented writer; really I could go on. He has had to come to the realization that his wife is boring and he still has to stick things out with me until one of us keels over dead (we don't believe in divorce). Poor guy, and he still says he is head over heals in love with me. Go figure?

Well, as I'm sure you have discovered by now, I'm not the most talented writer either. I'm my husbands editor. No, I can't spell and I have no sense of grammar (I'm sure that is a sixth sense), but I usually do a pretty good job of content editing his articles. Ironically, my comments often mirror his editors. I'm flattered by this, but since I'm not the one getting paid to write the article, I won't take on airs.

To be quite honest, the reason I thought of writing today is because my husband and I are almost ready to consider a baby. After my being held up at gun point by a young man (probably after money for his drug habit) a year and a half ago, I got a little dose of anxiety. After being able to quit my job, get therapy and medication for six months, I have now been declared healthy.

My husband wants many kids and initially wanted to start trying right away. I was not on the same page as I was thinking maybe one kid at a time after five years. Now, three and a half years in, we are going to go for it. We will probably wait a few more months, but who knows, I feel ready.

Anyway, I'm thinking to just jot down my thoughts here for a while. There might be some politics and religion mixed in, but generally it will just be thoughts.

In my dreams, this will some day become a movie. But in reality, maybe three people will read it. :-)